Life Happens

I'm reading my last post... wow. So paranoid... I know that wasn't me though, that was the nerves. I was a bastard mess yesterday. Just such a wreck. I slept at 4 am, up this mornin at 6.

Tomorrow is the big day... in court.. when it's all over. I'm still nervous but I just want it to be done. I think I'm dealing with it a bit better. I'm a little more relaxed.

I've learned that life happens. Things we don't expect, come to us. On some level, we ask them to. Perhaps it's to save us from what could have been worse. Definitely, it's to teach us a lesson. I am confident that I'll sleep better tonight.

We leave it in God's hands.

When you just feel it.

I feel like i've screwed it up. Things have been going well so far. We went on a date last night - leafs game followed by dinner. But this morning I woke up and I felt like I had screwed it up and I don't know why. I did get a call today, at around 1. But no response to the text message/call afterwards. I don't know if I'm being paranoid.

I feel sick. I had some toast, but i feel sick. I'm nervous about Tuesday. I don't want it to come, but I also want it to be done and over with. I want this all to go away.

Right now I'm in an awful state of anxiousness. I'm also very bored, which doesn't help. I have nothing to do... I feel like going for a walk but it's getting late so I can't do that. Besides, it's cold. But I feel like i'm suffocating.

I don't know if things with him are done. I don't get whyI feel like this. The clock ticks too slowly.

Exciting Times

Its 3:49 pm, and I need to start getting ready in about an hour. He is taking me to a leafs game tonight, so very exciting! Things I think are going well. We haven't spent a lot of time together, but do talk a lot.

If a tree falls, and no one is in the forest to hear it...

….did it’s sound exist? Similarly, if I create a blog on line, and no one reads it, is it really a blog? Or it is just a collection of my random thoughts, written away on a few megabytes of data, lost somewhere between the cyber world and the folds of my memory?

I have not linked this blog to any other website. Not a single person knows it exists. This is my little corner of the internet that I’ve chosen not to share with anyone. I’m ‘assuming’ that no one can find it on blogspot.com, however as I was waiting for my flight to leave this morning, I started to wonder if, somehow, it can be found? Can someone do a search with my email address? I’ve written a lot of personal stuff lately. Secrets that I don’t plan on sharing with anyone, and not discussing with those that know of them already. A part of my life that I will have learned a lot from, but wish to bury away.

I will have to investigate a little further. Right now, I’m typing this up on a word doc while on the plane. Tonight I’ll transfer it over to my online blog. I realize how silly it sounds; why in the world would I be putting up thoughts on the internet, of all places, that I don’t want anyone to ever read? What’s the point of an online blog if its only viewer is the writer? Well, I never did like writing things on paper – firstly because its an obvious find, and secondly because I would never be able to go back and read my own writing - its worse than chicken scratch. I’m not keen on starting a ‘running Microsoft Word’ journal either, as I’ll have no way of really accessing it from different computers when I have a sudden urge to write. I’d have to make sure I emailed myself the most recent, up to date version, all the time. I don’t feel like doing that.

As for why I chose the internet, it’s certainly more convenient. I can access it, real-time, as long as I have a working internet connection. I can also hypothesize that there’s an element of risk that perhaps makes this all that more exciting for me. As convoluted as it sounds, it’s true. It’s knowing that the probability is low, but the risk of being exposed is still there. The thought frightens me beyond belief, but something makes me keep typing away. A little messed up? Perhaps, but then, without a little bit of risk, is life not unbearably boring?

The plane should be touching ground in just a little over an hour. Can’t wait to be with the mountains. It’s been a long, long time.

And Just Like That.... I'm Almost Free

I wrote a fair amount yesterday, about how scared I was about this incident, and how this week was going to be sheer hell for me. I thought the anticipation would kill me, and I was even worried that the resolution would get pushed back by a week or so.

I'm travelling for work this week, and so I called my lawyer this morning to tell him I'd be out of town. He said he was at the gym, but had some good news for me. The crown agreed to settle.

And so just like that...I'm no longer a criminal.

I'm relieved but for some reason I'm still nervous and anxious inside. I did not realize that I'd have to appear in court to plead guilty to the lesser charge of a traffic ticket. My court date is set to April 1st. Thirty days later, I will have my license back. Although my lawyer has reassured me that this is a 'done deal' and that the Crown will not go back on their settlement, something inside me won't feel relaxed until I've walked out of that courtoom. I'm also very nervous about going to court! I think it's because so far, my lawyer has made all of my appearances for me. This will be the first time I have to come face-to-face with this infront of a judge and the Crown. It's all very surreal. It scares me.

This is nearly over, and I'm so thankful to God for being on my side. I think I'll feel more happiness about this after April 1st. I sat in my bedroom this evening and opened up the brown envelope that contains all of the papers from that night. March 24th today, exactly 60 days ago. Now I know how it ends.

I still have more to say today...

I realize that so far, I've only really written about the incident on this blog. I want to clarify though, that I know there is a lot more to life than what I'm experiencing right now. There are bigger problems in the world that many people face each and every day. I do not think this is the end all, be all. I realize that my life is a blessing and that I have people who love me, a job, a place to live and my health.

I guess I'm writing about this because for me, at this very moment, this incident has a bit of a grasp on my life. There are a lot of different areas of my life it touches on. From a work perspective, I can't drive to go visit my clients. From a personal perspective, I can't drive up to visit my parents, and I'm overall dependant on friends and the TTC to get around.

It's also unfortunately had a physical impact on me. I've gained weight since the incident. Some people react to stress by not eating at all, others will eat more 'comfort food.' That, coupled with the fact that I'm not going to the gym, has resulted in probably 8-10 lbs of weight gain for me which has devestated me. I feel so fat and ugly. It's like there is this general layer of puffiness around me that I want to rip off with a knife. I'm even more conscious about this right now because I'm sort of getting to know someone and I can't help but feel so grossly unattractive and large. My goal after I get back from my business trip this week, is to kick things up a notch. Hopefully by next week I'll know my fate and will be far less stressed. I plan on jogging then, every day until I get my license back. There will be no need for comfort food and so I'll go back to a healthier way of eating and living. I just need to be consistent. Right now, I hate looking in the mirror at times, and I can't help but wonder if he wasn't slightly dissapointed when he met me. I get that it couldn't have been that bad, I mean we are still talking after all. But still, maybe he thinks the fat girl is sweet and so he'll at least give it a chance? I don't want to be the sweet fat girl though. I'd rather be the sweet, sexy girl ;-)

Bah.

Writer's Block

I dont' get why I can't just write anymore. There are thoughts inside me that I could express, but I either speak to someone about them, or I have my own conversation in my mind until they are at rest. For the life of me, I cannot put them to paper. I feel like Austin Powers when he lost his mojo.

My last entry was on January 31st, 2008; a week after my incident. It's March 23rd today; exactly 59 days since the incident. My fate has yet to be decided - the lawyer hopes to have it all wrapped up by this Friday however I get the feeling it may take a week or so longer. March break, Easter long weekend, people getting stabbed - all of these things have an impact on how quickly the Crown will respond to the request to settle.

How much has my life changed? Well, I will tell you that I have an extreme and sincere appreciation for pedestrians and those that take the TTC. Having to take the bus into work was surreal for me the first few weeks. Now I'm use to it - I've familiarized myself with all of the various routes I need to know to get to my usual spots. I couldn't help but laugh last night though, as I waited outside for the bus. I waited 23 minutes, had I driven to my destination it would have taken me 16. I'm certainly more patient.

I made a conscious decision to not tell too many of my friends or family members about the incident. It's a bit of an embarassment really. It's funny how I continue to hang out with people and they have no idea I'm not parked on the other side of the lot, and that after I watch them leave, I jump into a cab or walk over to the bus stop. It's like I have this dirty little secret that I'm keeping all to myself. Those closest to me, and those that need to know, know. Everyone else thinks its life as usual. It will be, in four short weeks. I've made it two thirds of the way. I've had several moments of anxiousness and many, many epiphanies, but I've also had a few moments of extreme happiness and most recently, some child-like giddiness nestled between the stress.

More on that, later :)